Crazier

I think I found my wings.

Time Stops

Tonight I looked up and saw the moon. The sky was so clear, the moon was almost half full with a halo around it. A bright star twinkled.

I shivered from the cold, but I just had to look at the moon for a few more minutes.

This Is How I Want to Feel

I am guilty. Guilty of listening to this song performed by Garth Brooks and written by Bob Dylan more times then I will ever admit. The true romantic in me can't help it.

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

-Bob Dylan

Mentally Tired

This has been a difficult weekend. I am torn up inside and just need to find some peace in sleep.

I need to find the shard of strength I have left, and hide it.

Rearview Mirror

Today I found a journal entry from January of 2010. In it, I wrote:

"So we can easily spend an entire life looking in a rear view mirror. Looking back. Wondering...what if? Wanting to participate in everything occurring around us, yet pretending to be content standing on the sidelines."

A few months later, I wrote:

"I am so depressed and sad. I wish I could make all of this pass."

As I read the entries this morning, I cried. I cried, and wished I could put my arms around my former self and tell her it is going to be okay. Tell her she will one day stop looking in the rear view mirror and smile again.

But most importantly, I would tell her she will feel alive again someday.

Emptiness

I don't like feeling empty inside.

It is easy to blame other people for the emptiness I sometimes feel.

I realized, giving so much of myself, and not wanting to give it, has made me feel empty inside. All along, it has been a choice.

I realized when I give from the heart, what I choose to give, I don't feel empty.

Gratitude

Every night before I go to sleep, I try and take a few moments to count my blessings. I have many reasons to be thankful.

Gratitude is missing in so many people's lives.

Mrs. Cleland's Biased Cut Dress of Satin

Today was a very touching day for me. I decided yesterday I was going to spend the day and visit my parents. As an added bonus, I decided to make chocolate chip cookies and deliver some to my father-in-law and my former brother-in-law's mom.

My father-in-law was not home, so I left the cookies in the side door, so he would have them when he returned from his errands. As I ventured down the street, to drop cookies off to my next recipient, I wondered if she would recognize me.

She opened the door with a smile and I felt compelled to introduce myself. She immediately welcomed me into her home, complimenting my scarf while asking me if I made it. Her eyes lit up as I presented my small gift of cookies and she complimented me on how they looked like they were from a bakery.

She made me feel so welcome in her home, wanting me to take my coat off and stay for awhile. We visited and talked about her son. Conversation with her came naturally as she asked about my children and we talked about her grandchildren.

The longer I stayed, the more comfortable we both felt as she told me of her honeymoon in New York City and spoke of her deceased husband. She showed me her wedding picture and I admired her youthful beauty and biased cut dress of satin, along with her dashingly handsome beau.

We laughed. She cried. We hugged.

She showed me pictures of her children and grandchildren, and like many people her age, expressed the sadness of not seeing them. She cried as she remembered her son who passed away a year and a half ago. I wrapped my arms around her, told her I was so sorry and couldn't imagine the pain she feels in losing a child.

When it was time for me to leave, she thanked me so kindly for coming to see her. I asked if next time I was in town, if I could come and visit her again. She smiled a big smile and said she would like it if I did. I told her next time I would call, in case she needed anything from the store, I would pick it up for her.

She thanked me many times for visiting, and as I walked down the front steps she told me to take care. As I backed out of the drive, she stood in her doorway and waved to me. I smiled and waved back.

As I saw her standing in the doorway, I was thankful for the time we spent together and I smiled as thought of her in her youth with a biased cut dress of satin. I can't wait to see her again.

It is Going to Get Worse, Before It Gets Better

A sound, solid piece of advice.

I am frustrated, angry, hurt, and sad. Logically, I know it will get worse, but it will be better someday.

Whoever came up with the quote didn't take into consideration the order of the wording. Maybe to protect the heart, the quote should be "It will be better, just get through the worst."

Sounds better to me.

Cupid's Arrow

I'm such a romantic. I love all holidays. Any holiday is a good reason to decorate the house. The kids have grown up in an environment where we have celebrated everything from Groundhog Day to the First Day of School.

I have greeted children at the school bus with warm cookies, and boxes of ice cream sandwiches. I have decorated the house and set the breakfast table with fancy dishes for many occasions. However, I secretly like one holiday best.

Valentine's Day.

Maybe it is all the hearts of pink and red. Maybe it is in the twinkling pink lights. It could be the chocolate covered strawberries. Or, maybe, just maybe, it is the belief in true love.

Studying

When Madeline was a freshman in high school, I knew how important it was for her to develop good study skills. I know how difficult it is when your surroundings distract you from the task at hand.

A few weekends before final exams, she and I would go to Panera Bread so she could study. It removed her from an environment where she is distracted by her IPod, phone and computer. It put her in a situation where she could focus only on her school work.

Of course, the tradition has been passed on to Andrew. The two of them studied together this morning. The goal is to do well in school, however the bonus is spending time together.

Reality

I am having such a difficult time coming back to reality. I knew I needed some time away from home, but being away just validated I waited too long.

My Feet Hit the Floor

Reality is slowly setting in. I guess my feet hit the floor. When I look out my window I see the still forest, and not the bright lights and movement of the city.

To be fair, my heart and head do appreciate stillness in my surroundings. I need the peacefulness and tranquility in my life. What I forgot about for all these years is how much I love the vibrant, artistic qualities of a city.

For a few days, I remembered. I remembered, I need both to feel alive.

Middle of Nowhere

no·where: state of nonexistence or seeming nonexistence.

Today, Benjamin had his final Quiz Bowl tournament of the season. The first match was a regular match with standard questions counting toward the team's points for the season.

However, the second match did not count as points and was just for fun. This type of match includes silly questions where there is no right or wrong answer.

Usually the audience is to remain quiet during the rounds, but this is the one time where words escaped my mouth before I could stop them.

It went something like this:

Facilitator: "Where is the middle of nowhere?"
Me: "Hartland."

Andrew was sitting next to me, and as soon as I said it, our eyes locked and we both started laughing.

I think I spent too much time in New York City.

Back to Reality

Today was my first day back home from my whirlwind trip to New York City. Reality set in as I unpacked my suitcases.

Brighton and Hartland are nothing like New York City.

Heart and Brain Agree

Last night we went to the top of the Empire State Building. As we rode the elevator to the top, I thought about what it would look like seeing the city from so high up.

When I walked out onto the observation deck, I was breathless. The lights twinkled in the city and I was overwhelmed at the view. At that moment, I felt my heart and brain both agree. I love New York City.

New York City Education

The girls make me laugh so much. Just to watch them and see their youthfulness makes me smile. They have learned so much on this trip including how to bargain to buy illegal handbags, how to hail a cab and how to get the check in a restaurant.

What a learning experience.

Broadway Books

The hotel we are staying at is right near the Theatre District of New York City. Tonight we went to see Jersey Boys and the night before the girls went to see Phantom of the Opera.

I am always amazed at plays because I can only imagine how much work and talent is needed for a production. As I sat in the theatre tonight, I was thankful I could block out my reality and place myself in another world for a bit.

Just to watch people with such great talent that they could mentally take me to another place is amazing. It is like reading a book, but I don't have to close my eyes and use my imagination because the characters are already there.

Times Square

New York is unlike any place. When we arrived, as we began our cab ride to Times Square, my first impression was that New York City looked like Chicago.

As we neared the hotel, we saw store fronts with glamorous dresses showcased in the window and gradually, my impression of the city changed. I noticed taller buildings, more taxi cabs and brighter lights.

When we arrived at the hotel, the girls thought the room was amazing! They stood on the windowsill of the full length windows overlooking Times Square and talked about how they had never seen anything like the city.

We ventured down into the square and along with many other people, looked up in awe at the lights. So many people walked around, cameras facing upwards, taking photographs of their surroundings.

I so badly wanted to love New York since I have wanted to come here for so long, but I was worried I wouldn't like the city. Initial reaction is...I think I am going to love this place!

Leaving for New York

Today, Madeline, her friend Jill and I will begin our big adventure to New York City! I am so excited!

Heart Ache

Andrew reminded me when I go away for the weekend, it will be the longest time I have left the house without he and his brother.

I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful relationship with my children. I am thankful for every day I have to watch them grow and experience the world around them. All the laughter and the tears make every day of my life worthwhile.

I gave Andrew a big hug and told him I am going to miss him so much. Towering over me, he hugged me back, and said "Me too."

As I felt my heart tighten in my chest, I knew he would be okay, but I didn't like the heart ache. I sure am going to miss him.

First Time in New York

It is difficult for me to write my blog, because I keep thinking about my trip to New York with Madeline and her friend, Jill. Madeline is very creative and talented with her writing abilities, and I mentioned to her she needs to come up with a name for the trip.

She said she would think about it and let me know tomorrow.

I laughed, because later this evening when I was on the telephone with Jill's mom, a theme came across to me but I refrained from commenting. The conversation went something like this:

Her: So, you have never been to New York either?
Me: Nope.
Her: Wow. So you are all going to experience this for the first time together?
Me: Yep.

Inside, I am laughing, because I am thinking, first time? Should I say to the mom "Yeah, just three New York Virgins?" After I ended the telephone conversation, I mentioned it to Madeline, and we laughed as she came up with a few more inappropriate trip titles.

I can't wait to hear the final trip name.

All That Glitters

When I looked outside this morning and saw the sun rising, the forest looked like it was twinkling. The frost was thick on the tree branches and the sun was low enough on the horizon to make everything look sparkly.

Snug in the house was fine, but when I went outdoors, the cold air reminded me of Morocco in Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare:

All that glitters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told:
Many a man his life hath sold
But my outside to behold:
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
Had you been as wise as bold,
Young in limbs, in judgment old,
Your answer had not been inscroll'd:
Fare you well; your suit is cold.

Pretty Woman

Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

The other day I watched the movie Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. I have seen this movie many times, but I haven't watched it in awhile. As I was watching it, I was surprised as to how much I identified with Vivian right down to her talking about a carpet picnic, knowing how to drive a stick shift and fidgeting.

However, going a layer deeper, is Vivian's lack of self worth. I can certainly identify with that personality trait. Vivian is right. The bad stuff is easier to believe. I'm still figuring it out.

Heart on My Sleeve

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see. I can't hide the way I feel about someone or something. Sometimes I can find ways to conceal it, but most of the time, I fail.

The downfall of wearing your heart on your sleeve, is it leaves you vulnerable for people to hurt you.

However, I would rather wear my heart on my sleeve, and take the hurt that comes with it, because at least I know I am alive.

The Moon

Tonight I looked up at the moon. The sky was so clear and the stars were twinkling. It is almost a full moon, although I can't remember if it is considered a waxing or a waning moon.

I wondered how many people were taking a moment tonight to look up at the sky and admire it. So constant, yet always changing. No matter the shape, one thing is for certain - I always smile when I look at the moon.

Counting the Minutes

One week from today, I will be in New York City.

I have been thinking about what this trip represents to me. Of course, it is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with my beautiful daughter, and enjoy the sense of adventure we have shared over the years.

There are many places I want to see in the world, however, NYC and Paris have always been a dream. Ever since I as a young girl, I have carried dreams of visiting both. Why?

I thought of how exciting it would be to immerse myself in the culture of both places. The art, history, fashion and architecture. The people, communities and food.

Since it is only a week away, I have to admit I am nervous. I might just stand there and cry. Tears of happiness and sadness. Happy because I finally get to see NYC. Sadness because it took me so long.

The One Who Tucks Them in at Night

Yesterday was a sad day. One of Benjamin's friend's mom died in a car accident. She was driving on an icy, dirt road and her car ended up wrapped around a tree. Sadly, she was pronounced dead at the scene.

It was heartbreaking to see Benjamin's tears roll down his cheeks as he told me.

This morning, he looked at me with those big, blue eyes and said "That is the worst thing that could happen to a kid. To lose their mom. The one who tucks them in at night."

Later, as we were cleaning up from dinner, and I was getting ready to go to the store, Madeline and Andrew didn't say goodbye to me. Benjamin said to them "Hey, what if that happened to us like it did to Luke, and mom never came home again?"

Tears filled my eyes. Yes, it was a sad day.

Farewell Blog

Today, my blog is shut down.

I never meant any harm in writing it. I only wanted to use it as a tool to make me a better person. It has always been for me to learn about myself, nothing more.

I did learn a few things. I learned that I do have a lot of traditions with my children. I learned I do have memories of my childhood. I learned the simplest things in life are important to me.

But the most important thing I learned was I don't like feeling vulnerable.

Serendipity

ser·en·dip·i·ty/ˌserənˈdipitē/ Noun: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way: "a fortunate stroke of serendipity."

I love the movie Serendipity, not only because it is such a sweet, romantic comedy, but the title of the movie is one of my favorite words. Over the summer, I would joke with Andrew about my favorite words and how one day I would make a list with all of them including moxie, soil, opines, façade, tchotchke and serendipity. Sometimes the words would make my list just because I would like to say them aloud, yet other times it is because of the meaning of the word.

Serendipity is because of both.

Do I believe in serendipity? Yes. I do believe that some things are meant to happen whether it is referred to as fate, chance, destiny or serendipity, I find it hard to believe it doesn't exist. It just sounds more intriguing when it is referred to as serendipity.

Saying the word serendipity makes me smile.

Happy New Year

A new day, a new year.